matt_ferrell (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} matt_ferrell) wrote,@ 2007-06-05 12:28:00 |
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Mom..
June 5th..
2 years ago today was the last time I ever heard my moms voice. I was asleep.. and she called me. I had been out the night before, so I was resting and didn't know what all had been going on, or why she was asking me what "they" were saying about her, kind of paranoid like, like she thought people were talking bad about her. I was confused.. but told her no one's been saying anything bad about her. She said "..Okay.. bye." and hung up. That was the last time I heard her.
2 years ago today I woke up again from being asleep, again to the phone ringing. It was the sheriff's office asking me when was the last time I saw my mom, what she said, how she was acting, etc. I was REALLY confused then. I was home alone. No one was home when I got home. I had been in St. Augustine, FL all night the night before with friends, dealing with cops and homeless people because one homeless person decided to break a friends car window. So I was up till the sun came up. So I was half asleep and had no clue what all was going on. I was tired. Trying to sleep. but getting all these weird phone calls. Mom sounding weird, sheriff's office asking about her, etc. o.o
Then my cousin walked in and told me what all was going on. Mom was missing, only telling us she was at a hotel, but wouldn't say where. And she was taking alot of pills..
Between the cops and us, we searched loads and loads of hotels.. and other places we thought she might be. Then I babysat my Nephew and little cousins while the rest of the family continued looking and stuff.
2 years ago today, after searching for what seems like forever, and waiting, babysitting for hours and hours.. 2 of my uncles came to where I was babysitting the kids. I could see in their faces what they were going to say wasn't happy news. While one uncle got the kids ready for school, the other lead me to the couch and told me to sit next to him. While he was trying to hold back tears, he told me they finally found her, but it was too late. It's one of those moments I'll always remember.. embedded in my mind.
2 years ago today, I had to call my dad to let him know what happened. Him and my mom divorced when I was little.. but he's always loved her. He never dated or anything after they broke up.. even after all these years. He just had no desire to. He didn't stalk my mom or anything.. it wasn't a creepy "always loved her" thing. He left her alone and let her live her life. But he always loved her. Having to call him and let him know she had killed herself in a hotel room was _easily_ one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I could barely say it, and talk at all.. and even more so when his voice started getting weak from hearing it and we both basically broke down on the phone at that point.
My mom and I were close. I think the longest I had ever went without seeing her was maybe a week at most. I always saw her. Always went places with her. etc. And now here we are.. 2 years without seeing her..
2 years ago today my life changed.
I was in a daze for weeks afterwards.
Nothing seemed real. That day and the days following are just a blur to me. I was in between being in a daze, zoned out.. and on the verge of breaking down with everything I saw, everything that was said to me, everything I heard, etc.
I'd go to the store and see old people shopping and think how I'd never get to see my mom grow old like that.. and almost break down in the store. Or an aunt would give me weird looks and tell me "You're not going to wear THAT are you??" when we're all about to leave for the funeral, and I broke down crying. I know she just comes out and says stuff like that, it's just how she is.. but it just hit me harder then usual that day.
It all hit me hard I think during the funeral. Towards the end when an uncle went up to say his thoughts.. it all finally hit me at that point and I snapped out of the daze and totally broke down.
2 years ago today I lost my mom...
Written on the back of my yearbook.. 1991 when I was in 2nd grade.
"To Matthew
You are so smart and so handsome and so sweet.. I know this is just the early beginnings of a very good life. May you always being so much joy and love to the lives you touch. I will always have a special place in my heart for the tiny little boy who was so sick at birth that you inspired me to become a nurse who takes care of little babies like you were. And I will always thank god for letting you live and be a part of our lives.
I love you
Mommy
May 1991"
----------------------------------------
Entries I wrote 2 years ago..
Written while babysitting Nephew and lil cousins:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3009
Written after I found out the news:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3020
Written after the funeral:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3145
Written about a month later:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/4933
June 5th..
2 years ago today was the last time I ever heard my moms voice. I was asleep.. and she called me. I had been out the night before, so I was resting and didn't know what all had been going on, or why she was asking me what "they" were saying about her, kind of paranoid like, like she thought people were talking bad about her. I was confused.. but told her no one's been saying anything bad about her. She said "..Okay.. bye." and hung up. That was the last time I heard her.
2 years ago today I woke up again from being asleep, again to the phone ringing. It was the sheriff's office asking me when was the last time I saw my mom, what she said, how she was acting, etc. I was REALLY confused then. I was home alone. No one was home when I got home. I had been in St. Augustine, FL all night the night before with friends, dealing with cops and homeless people because one homeless person decided to break a friends car window. So I was up till the sun came up. So I was half asleep and had no clue what all was going on. I was tired. Trying to sleep. but getting all these weird phone calls. Mom sounding weird, sheriff's office asking about her, etc. o.o
Then my cousin walked in and told me what all was going on. Mom was missing, only telling us she was at a hotel, but wouldn't say where. And she was taking alot of pills..
Between the cops and us, we searched loads and loads of hotels.. and other places we thought she might be. Then I babysat my Nephew and little cousins while the rest of the family continued looking and stuff.
2 years ago today, after searching for what seems like forever, and waiting, babysitting for hours and hours.. 2 of my uncles came to where I was babysitting the kids. I could see in their faces what they were going to say wasn't happy news. While one uncle got the kids ready for school, the other lead me to the couch and told me to sit next to him. While he was trying to hold back tears, he told me they finally found her, but it was too late. It's one of those moments I'll always remember.. embedded in my mind.
2 years ago today, I had to call my dad to let him know what happened. Him and my mom divorced when I was little.. but he's always loved her. He never dated or anything after they broke up.. even after all these years. He just had no desire to. He didn't stalk my mom or anything.. it wasn't a creepy "always loved her" thing. He left her alone and let her live her life. But he always loved her. Having to call him and let him know she had killed herself in a hotel room was _easily_ one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I could barely say it, and talk at all.. and even more so when his voice started getting weak from hearing it and we both basically broke down on the phone at that point.
My mom and I were close. I think the longest I had ever went without seeing her was maybe a week at most. I always saw her. Always went places with her. etc. And now here we are.. 2 years without seeing her..
2 years ago today my life changed.
I was in a daze for weeks afterwards.
Nothing seemed real. That day and the days following are just a blur to me. I was in between being in a daze, zoned out.. and on the verge of breaking down with everything I saw, everything that was said to me, everything I heard, etc.
I'd go to the store and see old people shopping and think how I'd never get to see my mom grow old like that.. and almost break down in the store. Or an aunt would give me weird looks and tell me "You're not going to wear THAT are you??" when we're all about to leave for the funeral, and I broke down crying. I know she just comes out and says stuff like that, it's just how she is.. but it just hit me harder then usual that day.
It all hit me hard I think during the funeral. Towards the end when an uncle went up to say his thoughts.. it all finally hit me at that point and I snapped out of the daze and totally broke down.
2 years ago today I lost my mom...
Written on the back of my yearbook.. 1991 when I was in 2nd grade.
"To Matthew
You are so smart and so handsome and so sweet.. I know this is just the early beginnings of a very good life. May you always being so much joy and love to the lives you touch. I will always have a special place in my heart for the tiny little boy who was so sick at birth that you inspired me to become a nurse who takes care of little babies like you were. And I will always thank god for letting you live and be a part of our lives.
I love you
Mommy
May 1991"
----------------------------------------
Entries I wrote 2 years ago..
Written while babysitting Nephew and lil cousins:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3009
Written after I found out the news:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3020
Written after the funeral:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/3145
Written about a month later:
http://matt-ferrell.livejournal.com/4933
