Memories...


I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about stuff. Memories. Which I don't normally do. Thinking so hard that I couldn't go back to sleep. So here I am writing this.. just to get it out of my mind.

The memories mainly revolved around when I lived in Callahan, Florida. A little hick town north of here. I lived there for about 3 years. My mom married a guy she knew up there, and we moved in with him around 1999.

It was around a time that I guess usually shapes how a person is and becomes. Around high school years.

I knew the place before hand though. Around 1997/1998. Those years before we moved there, I was there almost every weekend. My mom was dating the soon to be step-dad, and we'd go and stay there every weekend. I remember having a cassette player, and every time, on the way there and home, I'd be listening to either Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" or Clan of Xymox's self titled tape. Nice mix, eh?

I remember there was a couch there in the living room I liked. Not sure why. It was about 2/3 my height. There were other couches there longer then my height I could of slept on. But I always picked that small one when we stayed the weekend over there. Maybe I liked the big pillows on it. Or I liked hanging my legs off the edge. Or something. It was comfortable to me. I'd fall asleep listening to those tapes.

That Callahan house is where I also first got drunk. hah. At the time, my soon-to-be step dad had a room mate. Some guy he was letting stay in an extra room. One weekend that room mate had some friends over and had a little party out by the fire (you could build big bon fires out there in the yard). He had a cooler loaded with wine coolers. They only drank a few from it, then left to go do something else. Soon-to-be Step dad and I drug the cooler back inside when they left, and he was like "you can have some if ya want, just don't tell your mom!" then he went to bed. hah. So I drug the whole cooler back to the computer room, got on compuserv (it was kind of like AOL), and drank some. And drank some more. And more. I wasn't trying to get drunk. I didn't really know what drunk was even. They just tasted good, so I kept drinking. The cooler was pretty full when I started. There had to of been a few 6 packs of wine coolers in there. By the time I was done though, they were ALL gone. Opps. I was sitting at a computer so I didn't really fully feel the effects. I got up to go to the bathroom though, and couldn't walk straight and everything was moving. Was the funniest thing ever! So yeah, first time drunk. =P

During those "staying the weekend" times out there, back at home I went to high school during the week. Was my first time really riding a school bus. Nothing really to talk of much about that. No one bothered me. So that'd good. I always just kept to myself. It was around the time South Park started coming on the air though. So I'd have to put up with all these kids talking about it and acting out scenes from it on the bus. Annoying! It was also around the time Aqua's "Barbie Girl" song came out. So yeah, between the South Park reenacting, I also had the people singing that. Arg!

Then there was high school. Lee high school. It sucked. I had detention a couple times. Not because I was being bad, but just because I couldn't find my class! The main school itself is 3 floors big, and is a decent sized building. Then behind it there's another building of class rooms that are 2 stories big. I had a few classes in the main building, and a couple in the smaller building outside. Had no map or anything. Had to just roam and find the classes myself. A few times the bell rang before I found my class. So there I was, in the hallway alone searching (while everyone was already in their class). A teacher or someone would find me, and I'd get detention for not being in class. I probably wouldn't of if I'd of spoken up saying I was new and lost, but I was shy. And just didn't say anything.

I hated wearing gym clothes, or just gym in general, so they always made me sit outside, in the HOT sun, on the bleachers till gym was over.

Then there was this black girl who was always hitting on me. I just wanted to be left alone! heh.

Then there was my social anxiety. Just being around a room full of people, I'd get dizzy, nervous, etc. Some days I just missed the bus on purpose just to avoid having to deal with that. But I'd get yelled at later, my mom thinking I was being a bad kid just not wanting to go to school. But it wasn't that, I just didn't want to have that anxiety.

Finally I just quit that school. And went to another, smaller one. Till there was an opening, I home schooled. Then when I got into that school, I'd ride my bike there and home. Which was about 2 miles one way. One time I ran my bike into a mud puddle, bike slid and so did I.. in the mud. That sucked! heh. Or the time I was crossing a busy street (so I was going fast to hurry before cars came) and when I got to the sidewalk on the other side, there was a car at a stop sign blocking my path. I was watching for cars in the road as I crossed, and didn't notice the stopped car at the stop sign till the last minute. I still had some speed on me so I couldn't stop in time. Tried to dodge the car but ended up hitting the end bumper, and went flying off the bike hitting the road. The guy jumped out like "Oh my gosh, are you okay!?". I didn't feel the pain till I got home though. Went to doctor and ended up in a sling. One of those cloth hanging things you put your arm in so my arm was hanging there in an "L" shape all the time. One of these:


It wasn't broken, just beat up alot and had to heal. So yeah, I ran into a stopped car on my bike. =P

The school itself was nice though. Was a small school. I had my own little cubicle (yeah, an actual cubicle, walls around my desk, etc) and no one bothered me, etc.

Then we moved to Callahan. So I had to start going to the high school out there. So all that anxiety stuff came back. I always kept to myself. People tried to be my friend, would try and talk to me, but I just kept to myself alot. I used to always, after lunch, just stand by the lockers waiting for the bell to ring to go to class. While doing that one day, some people at a table across the room were motioning me to come over. So I did. It was weird because, the one motioning, as I was walking over I was thinking how she looked like one of my sisters friends (just younger of course). I forget her name now. But when I got to her, she said "Hi, my name's so and so". and it was the same name as that friend of my sisters I was thinking of. It was her and her 2 or 3 friends at that table. All dressed "gothy" looking. They said how they always saw me standing there and invited me to eat with them every day at lunch at that table. I said I would then went to class. But I never did eat with them or talk to them again. They probably thought I was being mean. But I was just shy.

I also had a typing class. Most typing classes, they use computers, right? Na, we were using typewriters! They DID have 3 computers though. They had Windows 3.1 on them. hah. I got to use them once, and ended up, whe whole time, helping the person next to me figure out how to use her computer. hah.

And in another class, there was this crazy person! She'd steal my notebooks and when I'd get them back there'd be her initials then mine, with a heart between them.. and loads of other stuff. She seemed a bit.. out there and crazy. hah

The bus rides were okay. Some people tried to make friends, and some would pick on me. I don't really remember what about. But I know I disliked them for it. heh. I was used to having no friends though. Before high school, I had a total of 2 friends. When high school started, I lost track of them and never made any new ones. So from around 1997 - 2005 I didn't have any friends at all really. Most people think "yeah right, you had to of at least had one person you hung out with or talked or or something". Na. None at all. It wasn't until 2005 I started really making friends.

So living in Callahan was pretty boring. Miles from the nearest gas station. No friends. Just stayed inside all the time. ALL the time. That's probably why I'm like how I am today. I'm a bit more social now adays, I get out and go clubbing and do stuff and things.. but deep down I still keep to myself, stay quiet and am usually on the computer. I ended up quitting that school there though and went to the local college and took evening classes for a GED. Classes were smaller, so the anxiety was a little less. And hanging with the college kids was nice (most were nicer then the high school kids).

While living there, I had to go from cable internet to dial up though, since Callahan had no fast internet at the time. Which SUCKED. Since I basically lived indoors and on the computer all the time. I didn't have a router or anything back then, so to connect all the computers online I built an old 75-100Mhz machine and used that to connect to the internet, and all the other computers connected through that one. Wires everywhere! Drilled a small hole in the wall so the computers in the other room could be connected to the internet computer in my room. Had 4 computers total in the house.

That's also where I started my website work. I played Quake online alot (Quakeworld) and was in a Team Fortress team (clan). And I started doing the teams website.

We had a big yard there. Enough to put another house on each side of ours. And we had a big riding lawn mower which I'd use every week to cut the grass. That was fun. Much better then the push mowers.

And I remember one time, step dad and I were burning some stuff in the yard. I think we'd been cutting down trees and were burning the limbs. I had a bucket of gasoline and walked it over and dumped it on the pile, then took some steps back, lit a match and tossed it in. I guess the bucket had been leaking gas though as I was walking, because the flames darted back and surrounded me! hah. Opps.

And I remember my mom and step dad getting married. It was a small thing. Was just them two and me there. No big church or anything. Just a little outdoors thing in a small town a little ways away, just to get it done.

Then one day years later, my mom left step dad. We moved out while he was at work. Moved back to Jacksonville. But even after we moved, they still didn't break up. They were still married. They just stopped living together. It was kind of like before we moved to Callahan. Except instead of us going there every weekend to see him, he'd come over to our place every weekend now.

During that time, on a night that my mom had made dinner, I was feeling weird. We were going to, after we ate, take my step dads brother a plate of food also. He was my uncle through marriage, but I saw him more often then my own uncles. Before we ate though, I just couldn't shake the feeling. Felt like I needed to take the food to him now. Was weird. My mom and step-dad were telling me to just eat first and we'd take him a plate later. But I was telling them I wanted to go now. So I went.

I got there and knocked. No answer. Door was unlocked though, so I went in. Looked around and called him, no answer. Finally found him in the bathroom.

Unconscious. And BARELY breathing. On the verge of death. Called 911. While waiting, I found, in the living room draped over a seat, a suit. With a note on it.

"Bury me in this".

The paramedics got there and took him away. Said if it had been just a short while later, he'd probably of been dead. He overdosed on pills. I don't know what was making me feel like I needed to go take him his food and not wait, but I'm glad I went along with it.

I'll never forget that though.
Finding someone on the very edge of death.
Finding their note they wrote for whoever found them.
It's embedded into my memory.

He survived.
But two years after that incident, he ended up shooting himself in the head.

And between that, a year after the OD'd incident, is when my mom killed herself by ODing.. which I've already written about here.


Hmm, okay. I think I've cleared my mind some.
And now you know a small bit more about me.

Time to get some rest I missed out on,
from a non-stop racing mind.