||[Jul. 29th, 2005|01:31 pm]
Just thinking about the last time I saw my mom, she was heading out to my Nephew's graduation with my sister.. so really, I just saw the back of her. I'm not even sure if I really got to say bye. =(
Thinking about the last time I heard her. She called me just a few hours before she did what she did. I had been out in St. Augustine, Florida all night though (till the sun came up) so it was morning when I got home, and I didn't know what all had been going on. I was resting from the long night, so I was half asleep. She was asking me questions on the phone, like paranoid questions.. "what have they [family] been talking about? Have they been talking bad about me?" I told her no.. no one's been talking bad about her. I was a bit confused at the time, but turns out she was talking about my family trying to help her, how they called the cops to help find her, etc. Maybe it was the stress, or maybe it was the pills she was taking, but she was just really paranoid and was thinking no one cared/loved her.
After I told her that, she said "Okay.. bye." and hung up.
That was the last time I heard her.
Thinking about, that same day, as I was resting from the long night before, how I woke up to the phone ringing (again). It was the sheriff's office asking me loads of questions about my mom. I still had no clue what was/had been going on, so I was really confused then. Asking me the last time I saw her, what she said to me, etc..
Thinking about, that night, being at my sisters place, watching the kids so she could be with family while the cops searched for mom. It was only supposed to be for a couple hours that I was going to be babysitting, but ended up being all night long, and I didn't hear anything from them all night.. so I thought maybe something was up.. But I didn't want to call and see. I was afraid to know for sure.
Thinking about, how around 7am, I finally heard from someone. When my 2 uncles came over knocking on the door (I hadn't slept all night, so I was already up). They came in, sat me on the couch, and one of them (while he was choked up, holding back tears trying not to cry), he told me how, earlier in the night, the cops had found her.. but it was too late. I wonder what her last thoughts were. I wonder if, at the last moments, she decided she didn't want to do this. That she did want to live.. but it was too late. The pills were already taken.
Thinking about and looking at the box we have. A small black box that sits here in this house. It contains her ashes. There's even some bone fragments still mixed in as well.. arg. It's so weird looking at it, picturing my mom, and knowing that she (or her body anyway), the person I hugged and saw all the time and hung with, etc. is all inside that box now. Tilting it back and forth, you can hear the ashes inside. Very weird feeling.
Thinking about how, just going somewhere and seeing old people, hurts. I think how I'll never get to see my mom grow old. I'll never get to see her like that.
Thinking how I recently had to take her cat to the humane society. We couldn't keep him here, and couldn't find anyone to take him. We had him for like 15 years. He was my moms baby. They were like best friends. Were very close and that cat has been through alot with us. My mom would always say "Gennie, what am I ever going to do when you pass away??". It was hard having to take him there. That cat was like a piece of her they were so close, and it was like loosing a part of her again.
Thinking about the hotel she killed herself in. I've had to pass by it alot recently when going places, and it always sucks. Knowing that, in that area, my mom died. Alone. In the dark hotel room.
Thinking about how, after she did this and we were cleaning up her room (she was a pack rat.. heh), we found tucked away in a bunch of papers, a suicide note. That she had written a year ago. It was all written out and everything. She was planning to do something. But for whatever reason, she never did at the time. So she had been thinking about this for awhile.
She cared so much for others. Whether it be family (taking in family to live with us, even if we didn't have the room.. being there for them when they were sick, even if they were family that we hadn't seen in years, or even if they weren't really "family" anymore because of divorces or other things, sometimes she took more care of those people then their own 'real' family did, etc.) or patients she took care of (she'd work and be with them, even if she wasn't on call, etc). She did so much and was always there for others, but when she needed someone else there for her, she felt that no one was. But we were. We all were. She just kept it all inside though, so we never even knew things were eating away at her/that she needed us until it was too late.
How she lived her life and what she did/the kind of person she was through-out her life rubbed off on me alot.
Heh, it's getting dark, clouds are hovering and thunder is crashing around outside. How appropriate.
I think I'll go curl up and just listen to it now, and watch the raindrops hit the sunroof.
I need long, never-ending hugs. And just want to clear my mind and forget about everything.. if only for a little while.